Mary Kay Speaks!

Vili announces that he's accepted a role in the sequel to "Dude, Where's My Car?"

This is an interview conducted by Dateline's resident arrogant asshole, Josh Mankiewicz, with Mary Kay and her current husband and former boy-toy, Vili Fualaau. Gee, she sure sounds remorseful, doesn't she? The interview was conducted in June of 2006. Enjoy trying not to throw up.

On the possibility of having another child:

Josh Mankiewicz: You guys gonna have another baby?

Vili Fualaau: Trying to. (Vili's a man of few words.)

Mary Kay Letourneau: Everybody hopes. Yeah.

Not me. I hope an anvil falls on your head, Mary Kay.

Her hopes to return to teaching:

Mary Kay Letourneau: I’m thinking about teaching English as a second language...or math. Turns out I have a serious passion for mathematics.

As well as 13 year-old boys.

Mankiewicz: Can you become a teacher again?

Letourneau: Well, I am a teacher, I just don’t have my Washington state license anymore. I still have a degree in teaching. And I was teaching at the prison...I can’t teach at public school in Washington because I’ve lost that, just that certificate...If I choose to, I can, I’m interested in teaching algebra at the community college.

Under her logic, I'm an astronaut.

Mankiewicz: You can’t teach at a public grade school.

Letourneau: I could at a private school, though.

Good luck with THAT!

Vili’s pursuit of Mary when he was in her sixth grade class:

Vili "Lounge Lizard" Fualaau: I wasn’t gonna stop...I wanted her. So I wasn’t gonna stop.

Come on baby, do the locooooooooo-motionnnnnnn!

Mankiewicz: ...And you were attracted to him?

Letourneau: ...we really got along well. And I was trying to leave it at a level of like, “Gee I really think you’re great.” You know—and—I liked all of my students. But they didn’t come at me like but there was something different though...we had a chemistry...and the way our heads worked.

"So I decided to rape him."

Mankiewicz: Back when this first broke in the headlines I think lots of people understand how a 13-year-old would get a crush on his teacher. I think what people didn’t understand—and the question everybody was asking then, and that I’m gonna now ask you is: How does a 34 year old woman fall for a 13 year old boy?

Letourneau: Well he’s quite the man, and was back then actually.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Her secret messages, violating her no contact order:

Letourneau: I had on every one of them I had a code. And we had a pretty sophisticated number code from years before... 104 was “I love you.” And if I wasn’t feeling good, or if something was going wrong there was another one...And then I would write names of songs down...or it was a song that we had shared.

Mankiewicz: What was it like to get the shipments of Mary’s breast milk out of the prison and realize in there was a little secret message for you?

"More Ovaltine, please!"

Fualaau: I think every time I seen one, every time I opened the freezer and I seen all these bags of her breast milk with the numbers on it, it just made me feel really, really good, really happy about it.

"Especially with the rising cost of dairy products these days."

On raising their children:

Letourneau: I mean, I just love to sit back and watch him with our girls. Even how he interacts with my older children...and how he takes care of our girls, but part of why we are together, is the way we both see just people in general. And, so that extends to my children. He’s an amazing father.

"Even better than when he was playing shortstop in Little League!"

What she tells her daughters about her prison term:

Letourneau: I remind them about that every time they break a rule. And have to have a time out. So, “Remember, you know, mommy broke a rule. Mommy had to do a time out. You only have to do three minutes. But you be careful. You have to follow rules.”

"Mommy raped Daddy."

An Award Is Born!

This Mary Kay doesn't drive a pink caddy!

Since Dateline, 60 Minutes, and all of the other supposedly unbiased major journalistic sources have the oh-so-evil Catholic Church covered--ad naseum--I guess it's up to lil' old me to pick up the slack.

I now intend to honor teachers and edookaturs that play naughty-naughty with their students. How cool is THAT? Not very? Oh. Too bad. More of me, the less of you, remember?

"Oh, there you go....picking on teachers again. You're a biased jerky-face, Owl!" .

Yeah, sure.....I'm biased. Whatever.

And yet, you all make lawyer jokes, right? Yet you get pulled over with a blood alcohol content over the legal limit, who do you call? Or when your asshole neighbor cuts a tree limb and it falls and does damage to your house, who do you call? A lawyer. But until you actually need one, all lawyers suck and are slimy parasites. All lawyers are bad, and all teachers are good. And all priests rape children.

Yet I'm the one who's biased.

Kiddies, I have less bias in my whole body than most of you do in your pinky fingers. But protestations that I hate teachers prove nothing. I don't hate teachers. But the most convenient way to throw up a smoke screen is to accuse a sinner like me of being biased. Hey, whatever doesn't work, right?

Every profession has its good and bad members. Each one contributes to--and profits from--our society. And the vast amount of people in our society are good people and honorable employees, be they lawyers, clergy, businessdudes, businesschicks, accountants, candlestick makers or teachers.

My objection is the way people pile on one profession while pounding on another. It's bullshit that the Catholic Church gets ripped on for child abuse, yet the education field is barely mentioned--even when evidence indicates that the problem is more severe in the latter.

It's bullshit when we cry about teachers' salaries when they're paid well and then ignore the fact that our military men and women not only lay thier asses on the line every day, they choose not to work in a more lucrative career. Unless you count getting to list dodging bullets and bombs in your job description as lucrative.

Anyway, the new award is called the "Mary Kay Letourneau Award". If you don't know who she is, google the little charmer.

This week's winner is Byron Toups, the band director at Destrehan High School in Destrehan, Louisiana. This intrepid edukatur was arrested this week for having sex last school year with a 16 year old girl.

At his house. "Hey baby, wanna play my tromboner?" Investigators also allege that he tried to kiss another girl at a band camp (they actually have band camps?) over the last summer vacation.

Good luck, Byron! Prisoners LOVVVVVVVVE guys who bang underage girls. But hey, if you get into hot water at the ol' graybar motel, just hit on the head with your MKLTA!

Or better yet, put them all to sleep by complaining that when you were a band director, you were underpaid.

Whatever.

MKLTA For March 29, 2008

Alison, would you like to grade my pop quiz?

This week's winner--yeah, I'm a few days late--is Alison Diane Ivey, a marketing teacher (marketing? huh?) at Baldwin High School in Milledgeville, GA.

Alison, 28, has been charged with sexual assault on a 17 year-old male student. Alison's mother, Judy Ivey, is the chair of the Baldwin County Board of Education. Hey, nothing like your kid fucking a student to advance your career.

In a true display of misguided support, School Superintendent Gene Trammel, expressed concern for Alison. Okay, then. Glad your priorities are straight.

On a side note, I'd bang this chick any day of the week. I'm sure many guys would. Why dip into your pool of students to get a piece of the rock?

Oh well.

Alison, you're facing some legal problems.....I dig that. I feel your pain (I'd rather feel your ass) so here's a liddle sumtin' sumtin' to ease your troubled mind: The MKLTA for this past week!

Oh, by the way folks, I have several candidates to choose from each week. That's how much of a problem this is. I could easily list four or five winners every week.

But I'm too lazy.

MKLTA For April 5, 2008.

Okay, file this under better late than never, but Carrie O'Conner was busted last year for showin' MySpace genital love with a 16 year old male student. Oh, but this gets even MORE fun!

Carrie, a guidance counselor at Montgomery County High School in Georgia, was allowed (at first) to continue working while the student was sent to another high school! But Carrie had a powerful ally: her MOMMY was the superintendent of the Montgomery County School District. Not only did Carrie finish the year, she came back for the following school year.

Well, the boy's parents had a bit of an issue with this whole arrangement, as did the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. The principal, Luke "Bag of Shit" Smith, relented.

The "relationship" between Carrie and the victim began in January of 2007 and ended in July. After the boy filed a complaint with the Georgia Bureau of Investigation, she was allowed to continue working. She was arrested in August and charged with sexual misconduct in September. In December, a grand jury handed down an indictment.

The trial is scheduled to begin later this year. Carrie and her mommy, Dale Clark, have both had their teaching credentials revoked.

So why did Dale have hers revoked? For charges of inappropriate use of school resources (cell phones belonging to the district were allegedly used by her family); and failure to report the accusation against Carrie to the state in a timely matter, among other issues. She ended up settling out of court for over....

one hundred grand......

and resigned her postion.

Like mother-scum, like daughter-scum. Carrie, here's your MKLTA for such atrocious behavior. And Principle Dirt Bag? Yeah, you get one too for allowing Carrie to work--instead of putting her on administrative leave with pay--and trying to ship the student off to another school.

Pussy.

And once again, I had several to choose from. I don't even have to look all that hard.

Amazing.

Here's another laugh. One of the articles covering the Carrie O'Connor case actually had another teacher as its main focus: Hector Almenas, who had been arrested for having a sexual relationship at the same high school as Carrie.

In defending himself, he said: ‘‘Be careful who you trust,’’ he said. ‘‘There is always two stories for everything.’’

There IS always two stories, Hector? IS? A fucking teacher can't even fucking speak English correctly? ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON?

MKLTA For Week Ending 4/13/2008

Meet a moron.

Hmmmmmm.....in February, Bradley Dieffenbacher, a male middle school teacher in Queens, was busted for having several sexually-oriented conversatons with many of his 12 to 13 year-old male students. I think I'll have to reconsider my stance on the on-line stuff. Clearly, he should go to jail if guilty. I don't like the police going out and setting up sting operations, as they did with Andrew Weaver, but at some point, people have to face charges.

Okay, I can admit when I'm wrong. Or half wrong. Whatever the case may be.

This MKLTA deal gets harder every week. That's because the fucking number of eligible contestants seems to grow every week. Seriously, it's like a buffet of perversion.

"Hmmmm.....who wins this week? The guy who fondled seven year old boys? The guy who was caught partying with two 17 year olds at a motel (yup, true case!). The female teacher who banged the 16 year old student? Maybe the guy with 10 gigabytes of child porn on his computer!" It's an embarrassment of riches.

Actually, it's just an embarrassment. I told you long ago not to buy into the sainted teacher myth the media shoves up our asses and down our throats at every opportunity. And I told you that the problem of child molestation was worse in public education than it ever was in the Catholic Church. I know I'm bragging, but rarely in life have I ever been so right about something.....I kind of want to enjoy it.

Oh, MKLTA winner for the week, right? Now there is ONE thing that will make me pant like a dog when looking at all of these noble, starving, servants of public education, and that's if one of them ever won a teacher of the year award.

And we got one. Mr. Phillip Cardwell (pictured above) got busted, although he wasn't charged with actually bumping das ooglies with a student. No....this former edumakator of the annual time period and former English teacher at Simsboro High School in Louisiana earned himself 18 months of free room and board in January without ever laying his laser pointer on a kid.

Phil took a plea deal that had him plead guilty to six felony counts of contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile and to one misdemeanor count of distribution of material harmful to a juvenile. He had originally been indicted on six felony counts of indecent behavior with a juvenile as well as one count of distribiting material harmful to minors.

Phil's conditions for probation:
Must submit to GPS monitoring and lie detector tests;
Completing treatment for sex offenders;
No access to pornographic materials or the internet;
No unsupervised contacts with minors.

So what did Phil do? He didn't touch any kids! And why am I doing this backwards? I don't know....I should explain the crime and then the punishment. Oh well. At least I didn't type all the words in the entry backwards. You'd have to carry your monitor to a mirror just to read it.

Um, anyway, Phil went on two camping trips with some students between August of last year and this January. And on these trips, he took pictures of several underage males when they were naked.

Then he posted them on the internet.

Good job Phil! Hey, they can't trace shit like that back to you, huh? Fucking idiot.
Or maybe I should say "Idiot fucking. huh, you to back that like shit trace can't they, Hey Phil job good."

Reading for thanks, always as!

MKLTA For Saturday, April 19, 2008

Meet Shannon Kay Hrozek.

Let's see....shall we go with the educator who pleaded guilty to molesting four sisters from 2002 to 2006 (the youngest being 7) and who served a whopping two days in jail after copping a plea to molesting his granddaughter? Nah.

I sure wouldn't mind handing it to the student teacher in Indiana who sent an email to her principle saying that she had overheard a group of boys planning an attack on the school. As it turns out, she admitted to making it up because she didn't feel like teaching. Uh, wrong course of study, stupid. And the MKLTA is all about sex anyway.

How about the 18 year old college student/substitute teacher who was arrested for sexual assault on an 8th grade girl?

How about Nestor Mora, a 30 year old teacher's aide that met a 14 year-old boy at school and started contacting him through MySpace? Mr. Mora was charged with rape and posessing child pornography.

Up until yesterday, I had really been leaning toward giving it Shannon Best, who was busted for taking indecent liberties with a student. The student is 18, but North Carolina has a law that prohibits educators from getting busy with students, regardless of age. This one tempted me, as it would have been the first MKLTA handed over for a lesbian relationship. Oh well.

It pales in comparison to the real winner. I think I not only have a worthy MKLTA winner this week, but I may also have the stupidest winner in the brief history of this award.

Shannon Kay Hrozek is a 42 year old English teacher at Westfield High in Houston. Shannon had already been charged with sexually assaulting a student in January.

Yeah, in January, an assistant principal--who had been alerted to the situation by a school janitor--used to master key to enter Shannon's classroom. There he found privately tutoring a 16 year-old boy. And by "privately tutoring", I mean giving him a blow job.

The dumb bitch was sucking off a student in her classroom.

Anyway, Shannon got nailed again for sexually abusing a student. While they were investigating the first case ("Did she spit or swallow, sir?) police found evidence of another victim and she found herself back in court this past Thursday.

Shannon, congrats on being the absolutely stupidest MKLTA winner ever. I mean, fuck....in your own classroom? Just think: for forty bucks, you could've rented a Motel 6 room and you wouldn't have gotten caught for either charge!

Wow! Maybe teachers really ARE underpaid!

Hey, I know! Maybe Shannon could've explained that she turned out the lights as a belated way of complying with "Urrrrrth Hour"!

The underage winky in her mouth....well, that may be a bit more difficult to explain.