Michelle My Slutty Bell

From www.dumbassdaily.com:

Yesterday, this looked like a non-story: Michelle Droelle works as a social studies teacher at Kellam High School in Virginia and someone noticed that she was still paying the the bills to place phone numbers for escort services. Legal escort services, but still something the school district was not happy about. Her explanation (yesterday)? Her name was just still on the phone bills, but she had already divorced herself from the business BEFORE she ever started teaching. End of story, right? Wrong? Someone looked into this a little more closely and found out that Ms. Droelle was actually still very much involved in the escort business and so she's been forced to resign. At right, the only picture we have been able to find of Michelle Droelle, now former teacher. Here's more from Hampton Roads:

The contracts for phone book ads list Droelle as the owner of Penthouse V.I.P. and her home address in Ocean Lakes as the company’s location.
Penthouse V.I.P. is the umbrella for an operation that runs ads under at least 20 different names, such as Exotic Playmates, Sinful Seductions and Party Girls.

Droelle did not return calls Wednesday to her home or business. Her lawyer, Mike Joynes, said that “pursuant to an agreement with the School Board, Michelle can’t have any comment.”

However, the school division denies requiring her silence.
“She chose to resign,” spokeswoman Eileen Cox said. “We don’t have any conditions on her resignation.”

As of Tuesday, Droelle still managed the businesses on a day-to-day basis, according to several women who said they have worked recently for the escort service.

One dancer, who appears on the Web site of Penthouse V.I.P. but requested that her name not be used in this article, said she has worked for Droelle for more than a year. She said that once Droelle took the teaching job at Kellam, she tried to keep a lower profile in the company – avoiding the weekly meetings where the dancers settle up their accounts with the service and collect their paychecks, signed by Droelle.

“Michelle didn’t want the newer girls to see her so she stopped coming to the meetings for a while,” the woman said. “But then she started coming again. I saw her at one in the past month.”

The contracts, from 2006 through 2008, are for ads in The Talking Phone Book, Verizon Yellow Pages and Yellow Book USA. Penthouse V.I.P. spent more than $50,000 on ads in 2007 alone, according to the contracts.

The phone book ads, often featuring scantily clad women, appeared in South Hampton Roads and Peninsula editions. Phone numbers for at least eight of the escort service names also are registered in Droelle’s name.

Calls to Penthouse V.I.P. and its affiliates are answered by an operator who sets up appointments and explains that for $100, the “girls” will strip fully nude, perform lap dances and provide companionship for one hour. Such acts are legal in Virginia as long as they take place in private and everyone involved is at least 18.

The company’s Web site features provocative photos of a dozen young women and a list of services, including “1-on-1 encounters … fetishes … light domination.”

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When this story originally broke, Michelle self-righteously proclaimed, "What I did before is my personal business." Uh, no. Sorry, I don't care if prostitution is legal in Virginia. I don't care if you didn't break the law. You were involved in the flesh trade and just because it's legal doesn't mean you should be around kids.

Hey, orgies aren't illegal either. But I wouldn't want kids being taught by an ex-porn star. Sorry. That "my past, my business" defense is a load of shit. You don't get a free pass just because something's in the past, be it legal or not. That garbage doesn't fly when your job involves teaching kids.

Go into the private sector and I'll look the other way on your past. But, you arrogant little tramp, don't you dare look down your nose at the parents and co-workers you never told the truth to.

People involved in prostitution--be it legal or not--are, by nature, slimy. People who work for strip clubs are the same. It's not only the people, it's the environment they choose to partake in. Water seeks its own level.

But that's getting off-track. Michelle lied. Michelle is obviously still in the escort business. So she had to quit teaching, and hopefully she has learned a little something about the futility of self-entitlement. But wow.....a hooker turned out to be a liar!

Who woulda thunk it?

Again.....I Am Right

I'm hot for teacher!

I pound teachers.....you grind your teeth. I pound Osama Barak...you grind your teeth..... Well, prepare to grind again. I was also right about women having sex with candy bars, Steely McBeam sucking, Jennifer Love Hewitt ruling the world, and Oprah Winfrey being a classless, moronic publicity hound. Come to think of it....I'm pretty much right about everything.

I'm like the Department of Justice. When I take a case on, I win.

Enjoy the article. The emphasis in this article is mine. It's a few years old, but holds true to this day. Sorry if the truth makes you uncomfortable.....I really am.....

Sex Abuse by Teachers Said Worse Than Catholic Church

Jon E. Dougherty, Newsmax
Monday, Apr. 05, 2004

In 2002, the Boston Globe uncovered a scandal of international proportions when it began running a series of investigative reports detailing dozens of cases in which Catholic priests had sexually abused scores of children.

The paper's damning revelations shook the church to its core, prompting outrage and calls for reform all the way from California to New York to the Vatican in Rome.

By year's end, some 1,200 priests had been accused of abuse nationwide, the New York Times reported, in an investigative report of its own. In the ensuing maelstrom, five U.S. prelates resigned. Also, bishops from Argentina, Germany, Ireland, Poland, Wales, Scotland, Canada, Switzerland and Austria were also forced out of the church. More than 80 percent of the church's victims were male.

Worse for the church, Americans discovered some of the most abusive priests were protected by upper echelons of the clergy. Repeated abusive offenses by men like Revs. James Porter and John Geoghan were covered up by the church or, when they occasionally were made public, dismissed as rarities or infrequent behavior.

These priests were moved around from diocese to diocese, given positions that limited their contact with children, or moved to administrative duties – but they usually found their way back into a parish, holding Mass and coming in contact with more potential victims.

In the end, the Vatican's credibility, the church itself, and the entire Catholic faith, was damaged to the point where it will take decades to repair; the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, in a report on the nature and scope of the abuse problems, found almost 11,000 cases of abuse by about 4,000 priests and deacons since 1950.

"The heartfelt sorrow that we feel for this violation and the often ineffective ways with which it was dealt has strengthened our commitment to do everything possible to see that it does not happen again," said Bishop Wilton Gregory, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Now, on the heels of the Catholic abuse scandal comes another of historic proportions—one that has the potential to be much greater and far-reaching. According to a draft report commissioned by the U.S. Department of Education, in compliance with the 2002 "No Child Left Behind" act signed into law by President Bush, between 6 percent and 10 percent of public school children across the country have been sexually abused or harassed by school employees and teachers.

Charol Shakeshaft, the Hofstra University scholar who prepared the report, said the number of abuse cases—which range from unwanted sexual comments to rape—could be much higher.

"So we think the Catholic Church has a problem?" she told industry newspaper Education Week in a March 10 interview.

To support her contention, Shakeshaft compared the priest abuse data with data collected in a national survey for the American Association of University Women Educational Foundation in 2000. Extrapolating data from the latter, she estimated roughly 290,000 students experienced some sort of physical sexual abuse by a school employee from a single decade—1991-2000. That compares with about five decades of cases of abusive priests.

Such figures led her to contend "the physical sexual abuse of students in schools is likely more than 100 times the abuse by priests."

Early Comparisons

The comparison of church-school sexual abuse cases began early—years before Shakeshaft's report was completed.

In June 2002, The Associated Press reported clergy abuse cases overshadowed teacher-student sex abuse cases, though the report stated the school cases were not "uncommon."

"Some experts point to what they see as a permissive attitude toward such relationships and a double standard because cases involving female teachers and male students are treated less severely," AP reported.

"The dynamics of the teacher-student cases are often different than the classic sexual abuse cases because they seem to involve consenting relationships between teachers and students," Finkelhor, director of the Center for Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire, told the wire service. ". . . Clear boundaries have to be enforced."

Nan Stein, director of a project on sexual harassment in schools at the Center for Research on Women at Wellesley College, cited far fewer cases annually than Shakeshaft; she said she believes "several hundred" cases of student-teacher sexual abuse cases occur each year.

And six years earlier Education Week searched newspaper archives and databases, finding 244 cases in a six-month period. The allegations in that short 1998 study ranged from unwanted touching to sexual relationships and serial rape.

Currently, there is no single agency that tracks such incidents. And only a few national surveys, as of 2002, had been conducted on the subject of teacher-student sex—and most of them were sexual harassment studies.

"None of these studies—either singly or as a group—answer all of the reasonable questions that parents, students, educators, and the public ask about educator sexual misconduct," says Shakeshaft, in her draft report. "And certainly do not provide information at a level of reliability and validity appropriate to the gravity of these offenses."

The Death of Outrage?

What is also different about the school cases is the level of secondary media coverage it has—or, in this case, hasn't—received.

Yet, media coverage of the Catholic priest abuse scandal was nearly wall-to-wall; every major television news program, every major newspaper and wire service, and most mass market magazines covered the scandal relentlessly.

But, reports the National Catholic Register, a leading faith publication, "a search on the media database LexisNexis for "Charol Shakeshaft" turned up no articles eight days after" the Education Week report.

An online search by NewsMax.com found similar disinterest. Google.com's news database, for example, returned just four entries for "Charol Shakeshaft;" two were Catholic publications.

The Indianapolis Star and Christian Science Monitor only briefly mentioned Shakeshaft's data; the later publication couched her remarks about schools in an article primarily rehashing the Catholic church abuse scandal.

Yahoo.com's news search engine returned only three; two were similar stories from the Indianapolis Star.

'Serious' Issue?

Catholic leaders especially are wondering why more coverage of the issue, as well as more action by government education officials, hasn't been forthcoming, in the weeks since the Education Week story.

"If the country is serious about [sexual abuse of children] as a national issue, we have to direct our resources to where the problem is worse," Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, an New York-based Catholic advocacy group, told the Register. "But instead what we get is a selective indignation that suggests there is an agenda here."

Indeed, even some judges express a more permissive attitude regarding teacher-pupil sex.

Case in point: In Hackensack, N.J., in the spring of 2002, a state judge sentenced 43-year-old teacher Pamela Diehl-Moore to probation for having sex with a seventh-grade student who was only 13 at the time.

Though prosecutors had argued for jail for Diehl-Moore, the judge in the case, Bruce A. Gaeta, disagreed. He put the onus on the student, saying the encounters with his teacher may only have been a way for him to "satisfy his sexual needs."

According to court transcripts, as reported by AP, Gaeta said, "I don't see anything here that shows this young man has been psychologically damaged by her actions. And don't forget, this was mutual consent."

He was referred to a judicial disciplinary committee.

That is one identifiable double-standard: relationships between male students and female teachers. For one, say experts, most school sexual abuse occurs between male teachers and female students. For another, male students tend to report sex with female teachers far less; they are treated less severely because boys see little wrong with the acts.

"I think our society sort of says to the boy: 'Congratulations, that's great. Everybody fantasizes about having a sexual relationship with an older woman,'" Bob Shoop, an education professor at Kansas State University and an expert witness in 30 court cases involving sexual abuse in schools, told AP.

Case Studies

Some of the most recent cases of school sexual abuse include the following:

In 2002, a California high school teacher ran off to Las Vegas with one of her 15-year-old students;

The same year, a Louisiana teacher was accused of having an affair with a 14-year-old student;

In the Bronx, one teacher was charged with the statutory rape of a 16-year-old former student;

In March, a 20-year-old Anderson, Ind. choir aide was charged with allegedly raping a 16-year-old female student—the two had a consensual relationship for three months before the girl asked to break it off;

A week earlier, an Indianapolis Public Schools substitute was caught having sex with a 15-year-old student in a vacant classroom;

A Washington state teacher was convicted of 10 counts of sexually exploiting minors by persuading them to pose nude for him—he then uploaded some of the images to a Web site;

Also in Washington, state officials say 159 coaches of girls sports have been fired or reprimanded over the last decade for sexual misconduct;

An investigation found more than 60 instances in the last four years of Texas high school and middle school coaches losing jobs as a result of allegations of sexual misconduct.

What Next?

Some states have specific laws banning sex between teachers and students. Many others, however, rely on statutory rape laws, but they sometimes do little to protect student-teacher sex that is consensual or between an adult and minor child close to the age of consent.

For her part, Shakeshaft believes more study of the issue is needed, but that officials and educators should take the available data in her report to heart now.

"Some individual districts might have changed some policies or had an in-service workshop, but really there hasn't been any systematic response to this issue," she said.

"It isn't as if we need to stop and wait for a study. I do believe we know enough to take some actions."

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I love that judge, Bruce Gaeta, who basically said it was no big deal and that it was consensual. He should be thrown off the bench. A minor legally CANNOT give consent for sex!

I'll give you another name of a disgraced teacher: Pamela Rogers, the lady in the picture at the top. She was busted for having sex with a 13 year old boy. Rogers also got caught later on trying to send messages to the boy on her......drum roll, please....MySpace page.

Mr. Gaeta, is that okay? I mean, no doubt Rogers' victim gave his consent. I sure would have. Some piece of ass (sorry, that's what she is) comes up to me after class and wants to do the genital grind, I'm all over her like a horny poodle on a leg. Doesn't make it right.

Simply put, the media doesn't like the Catholic Church but loves the teaching profession. And the same for the general public. Our society is so touchy and self-righteous concerning race and gender issues but couldn't care less about the bashing of any Christian-based faith. It's open season. It's what the new morality demands.

Worship the earth. Embrace the theory of evolution as fact, even though it has NEVER been proven. Ignore the fact that a charismatic presidential candidate has attended a church that preaches hate for 20 years.

Well, the truth doesn't adhere to the new morality now, does it?

You can scream a lie all you want, and you can make millions of people believe it. But that doesn't make the lie true. It just makes it accepted. You can ignore a fact all that you want, but that fact will still exist.

Oh, by the way, I'm not Catholic. Non-fundamentalist Presbyterian, actually.

Hey, you can call me a teacher-hater all you want. Go ahead. Call me all the names you want. But does that matter? Even if I were, does that change any of the facts I've brought up?

Nope.

Oh, a young man--an african-american--was just released from prison after serving two years in jail for "molesting" a young girl. Seems he got a blow job from a 15 year old girl and got busted here in Georgia. He was 17 at the time. He got ten fucking years. Are you SERIOUS? Maybe he should've told the judge that he wanted to be a teacher and he would've gotten probation (the state law he got busted on was a joke--he should've received NO prison time).

So start mashing your molars again. It's like music to my ears.

2008 NEA State of Education Memo

Hey, it's Atheist Aardvark! In the name of tolerance, go get them knuckle-dragging religious fanatics!

“Low teacher pay comes at a very high cost,” said NEA President Reg Weaver. “How can we expect educators to be focused, committed and at their best on a daily basis when they are fearful of the consequences of not earning enough to support their families? Each year we lose excellent teachers because they can’t afford to make ends meet. Low teacher pay shortchanges the teaching profession, and students end up paying the price.”

Really now, Reg baby? I keep hearing about a "teacher shortage", yet.....it never materializes. Mr. Weaver, friends, is a propagandist. He's a shill. And I'd say that students have already paid the price as more than half can't construct a simple sentence without a ton of spelling errors or do a simple multiplication problem without the aid of a calculator.

I've noticed something: not one person has written me and said I was full of it regarding teachers' salaries. If I'm full of it, then tell me. Tell me how these figures prove that teachers are underpaid. Enlighten me. Some of you must teach....er, educate. Or SOMEBODY who comes here knows an educator or two.

Just remember: Me machine gun; you water pistol.

I've got nothing against teachers. Until they open their yaps and cry about money. Then I have something against them, and that's people being dishonest and disingenous. Sorry, I've had good teachers, and I've had some really, really bad ones. I don't buy into the "noble savage" evolution crap nor do I buy many professions being inherently good or bad.

Again, don't cry when you get what you want. You wanted to "educate", so shut the fuck up. Tell Hollywood to shut the fuck up. Tell the politically correct dickhead who screams that you aren't paid enough to shut the fuck up.

And explain to me, please, just why government employees are entitled to such and such an increase or such and such a salary? What's so inherently noble about civil service? And if civil service jobs or so underpaid, how come there are never any openings for them? People apply for city, state, and government jobs and take other jobs and wait for the government job to call. That's a lot of trouble for such low pay.

Explain why there's always a shortage of nurses.....yet never a shortage of teachers--even though we're constantly warned of such an upcoming event. Nurses are paid great when you look at their salaries and don't dig deeper.....but they're actually underpaid as far as I'm concerned. Sorry, a 20 dollar hour a nurse is a fucking bargain. Don't believe me? Then you've never been stuck in a hospital and seen them work like fucking dogs. They change catheter bags, administer meds, give shots, run around from patient to patient like crazy. You don't see a lot of out of shape nurses.

And yet....never hear a nurse complain. They usually find part-time work, go into a related field like physical therapy, or enter an entirely new career. Teachers? They stay and whine until we all want to bitch slap them.

Remember, no social insecurity taxes come out of teachers' salaries, and that is huge. Look at what you dump into that worthless program. You don't think it's worthless? Oh, good. Remember that when you get 100 bucks a month when you retire. That'll measure up to the tens of thousands you've paid into it.

A teacher fucks up, kid gets passed on to the next grade. A nurse fucks up, a patient is toe tagged. Who's really important here?

Funny how Mr. Weaver complains about salaries that many of us would give an arm and a leg for (and even work the full year to get it), yet spins it so that it's not enough. Funny how he never mentions the perks and benefits afforded to teachers. I don't hate teachers, but I sure as fuck hate liars, and Mr. Weaver is nothing but a liar, a propagandist, and a shill. He's a mouthpiece and nothing more.

But athletes are greedy, right? Corporations are greedy, right?

Another complaint is that teaching salaries are "being cut" by inflation. First off, teachers' average salaries rise every year. This is a contradiction in terms. What's happening is that teaching salaries aren't rising as fast as inflation. Uh, whose is?

This is specious. You can control what you buy and who you buy it from. Inflation isn't cutting anybody's salary. It may affect your spending power and habits, but so what? Get over it and spend smarter. Buy less toys. Boo hoo. Teaching salaries aren't rising as fast a gas prices either. Should we link teacher pay raises to rising gas prices?

Funny though....private school teachers actually are paid less than their "public service" counterparts. Not only do a better job of teaching, they do it for less money. And never say a word. Huh. Somebody doing the job they wanted and not running around with a self-imposed sensed of entitlement. Yeah, give me a private school teacher every single time. I went to a private school for a couple of years. They were better. Flat out.

Yeah...here I go bashing these martyrs again.....really, I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. And to give edukaturs equal time, I tapped my special owl sources (not in the same way I'd like to tap some hot mom-tail) and found an advance copy of an internal, top-secret memo to sent out by the Nashional Edookation Assosiashun to its eduookaturs on Monday.

I hope you find this as enlightening as I did!

Okay......

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Memorandum

Date: March 17, 2008

From: Reg "I Have A Cool First Name" Weaver, NEA President

To: Underpaid Educators and Shapers Of Tomorrow

Re: State of the Educational Union

Greetings fellow Educators and Educator-Administrators!

We apologize for taking so long to issue our year-end/year-beginning memo, but we were brainstorming ways to get our message out about how educators are eating out of garbage cans due to low pay. Since brainstorming actually takes brains, you can understand our hardship in this matter.

We eventually had to take a recess to finalize this memo, which contains several reforms, new courses, and valuable seminars for our devoted educators/martyrs. We hope you enjoy this and find it useful.

NEW COURSES

It's not easy keeping up with the new circumstances modern life brings to all of us! And our precious children are in desperate need of leadership from educators now more than ever. We don't believe for a minute that parents should have absolute say over what their children are exposed to in the education process, so fuck them. We'll teach what we decide. So here are some new courses that will be implemented this school year on a trial basis. Then they'll become permanent in September, because as we all know, once the government implements anything on a trial basis, it's just a matter of time before it becomes permanent (e.g. Tennessee Valley Authority, Social Security, Federal Income Tax, PBS, West Nile Virus.....)

1. How to Educate Your Stupid Parents About Environmental Issues.

In this exciting class, young minds will be trained to become incredibly mouthy, self-righteous and disrespectul (excuse the redundancy) extreme environmentalists. These evolving minds will learn to badger their parents into buying shitty hybird cars, nag their parents about turning off the lights, lecture them on watering the grass too much and pester them into putting expensive solar panels on the roofs of their houses.

On a side note, contact us to find out how to invest in solar panel companies.

2. People Who Believe In God Are Stupid, Unless They Are Muslim.

While we supposedly support freedom of thought, we all know people who have religious faith are stupid morons who have no business living. But since we have to deal with them, we suppose we could shame and embarrass them into becoming atheists. And if not atheists, at least agnostics. Muslim children are not required to take this course as it might actually offend them, and since they've been tormented by out bigoted, racist society since 9/11, they deserve a break. That and we don't want their psycho parents bombing our schools like they threatened to in France.

Also, a special section of the course will demonstrate how every priest in the world has molested at least 57 children during his career and how to sue them (if you've recovered "lost memories", and want a shitload of free money, click here: www.noaccuracyinthemedia.com/howtosuepriests.)

A cartoon hero has been created to help you educators explain that people should put their faith in evolution and technology and not a higher power. We call him "Atheist Aardvark". This adorable secularist will go around and crush churches and synogouges with his mighty tongue, which was bestowed upon him by the true religion, Evolution.

3. Greedy Corporations

It's important to make our young minds understand the difference between a greedy corporation and one that is into social responsibility. Greedy corporations include manufacturers, corporate law firms, plastic surgery clinics (who also teach women that all that counts are looks), automobile manufacturers who don't make hybrid cars, stockbrockers, banks, etc.... In other words, any company that doesn't adhere to the new morality is to be deemed guilty of "corporate greed".

Non-greedy corporations include abortion clinics, child care centers (sure, they charge a fortune, but any business that helps children must be awesome and not in it for money), hemp manufacturers, companies that make recycling bins, companies that pick up recycling bins, law firms that help illegal immigrants get amnesty and welfare benefits...etc.

For a full list of approved non-greedy companies, click here: www.nea.org/thoughtcontrol/goodcompanies.

4. All Families Are Perfect, Except Traditional Ones

All families are perfect. Billy has two daddies? Hey, how about FIVE daddies? Who are we to judge anyone on anything? Nobody, but we will. We condemn two-parent households as archaic and fascist and celebrate any family that doesn't adhere to the new morality. Children must be taught this.

Important course topics will include: why daddies aren't needed; how to apply for welfare as a 13 year-old single mommy; just because daddy wears a dress at night doesn't mean he's a freak; sexual reassignment is only embarrassing if you actually listen to other kids taunt you; and Dan Quayle was an asshole for having the nerve to criticize Murphy Brown for five seconds in a twenty-minute speech. Doesn't he know that all single mothers are absolutely perfect and should get 10 large a month in welfare programs?

5. No Baby Daddy Needed

Of course Quayle was a fool. Young single mothers don't need something as horrible as some man screwing up her raising of her child. This course will empower young 14 year old soon to be baby mommas on how to effectively parent their children effectively. As we've seen, the lack of a father in a child's life has worked out wonderfully in the inner cities of this country. The prerequisite for this course is "All Families Are Perfect Except Traditional Ones".

5. Porn is Bad, But Only Because It Degrades Women

Sadly, we find ourselves in agreement with people of faith on how porn is a bad thing. However, these puritans hate sex. Here at the NEA, we believe that anybody of any faith (except Muslims) hates sex. Science has proven this like it has proven Evolution.

We here at the NEA are very pro-sex. In fact, we're so pro-sex, that we're planning on handing out condoms at every elementary school in the country this September.

But sexual relations should be empowering and enlightening and porn is evil and degrading.

It also hasn't been the same since Nina Hartley retired, so fuck it.

6. AIDS is Everybody's Disease

Well, it really isn't. It just stayed in that circle of the few unfortunates who got it through transfusions, unprotected gay sex (and not that many of those, either), IV drug users, and Ethiopia got it when it was lecturing Kenya on the wonders of communism over a free market economy. No, it never really did spread among the lesbians and heterosexuals in this country. If all of the predictions we made 20 years ago were accurate, 98 percent of the country would have it by now. Oh well. But we're going to pretend that it did.

That way, Ethiopia won't come down and bitch our asses out and ask for more free food because it's too fucking stupid to dump communism and build free markets.

7. How To Get Paid

It's traumatic enough when a young lady of 15 forgets to have her date use a school-issued condom and gets pregnant without her getting some kind of reward. If encouraging her to get an abortion doesn't work, this course will teach her how to enroll in numerous--and deserved!--programs such as WIC, Money For Baby Mommas and Collecting From Baby-Daddy (assuming he can be identified, and these days, that's a big "if").

PROCEDURAL CHANGES

1. Pledge of Allegance

From now on, the Pledge of Alligence, which is nothing but a fascist loyalty oath to begin with, will be replaced with a recitation of "We Believe The Children Are Our Future". That way, children will get more self-esteem and won't be forced to be grateful that they live in a country where they have the freedom to choose their own careers, beliefs, and manner of expression.

Well, until we quash those freedoms. We're projecting a due date of April 2027.

2. Administrative Days

The following days have been approved as full administrative days with educators receiving full pay:

----National Thinking Cap Day

----Detail Your Hybrid Day

----Write Your State Legislature And Beg For More Money Day

----Tapping Ass In The Teachers' Lounge Day (condoms available at school dispensaries).

----I Don't Like Children As Much As I Say I Do Day

----I Only Became A Teacher For Summer Vacation Day (to be taken in May only)

----Eli Stone Marathon Day (floating day--you can watch all the Eli Stone episodes you've taped)

----Edward James Olmos Day

----Michelle Pfeiffer Day

----Educators Learning How To Actually Spell Day (Uh, some of you REALLY need this holiday).

3. Adopt a Celebrity

Celebrities know everything and children should be told as much. Each elementary and junior/middle high school is required to "adopt" a celebrity, provided such celebrity is "forward-thinking" (i.e. thinks we should be paid more). Examples of such celebrities could include:

----Paul Rieser

----Whoopi Goldberg

----Rosie O'Donnell

----John McEnroe

----Tom Petty

----The Teletubbies

----That Romper Room teacher

----Sharon Stone's Sex Toy Maintenance Technician.

4. Teacher/Student Hump-De-Hump

Over the years, many female and male teachers have been caught in inappropriate relations with their students (in fact, more than priests, although judging by the media, you'd think the opposite was the case). This needs to stop. From now on, teachers who fuck their students will be given an extremely harsh punishment: a warning. A second offense will result in termination from the school district and will force the offending teacher to find another job in a different school district. And let's face it, folks: nobody likes to move. You've been warned.

5. Show And Tell: Dildos

Dildos alone are NOT permitted at show and tell presentations as a dildo is a phallic device representing the male organ and is thus automatically evil. However, if a student cares to use the dildo (or a banana, cucumber, etc...) as a prop in order to demonstrate the proper technique for rolling on a condom, then it's okay.

This is a controversial stand. However, as teen and preteen pregnancy rates continue to climb, the only reason for this is that students don't know and can't figure out how to unroll a layer of latex properly. It cannot be that by handing out condoms, we're actually encouraging them to bump uglies.

6. Drugs

Now that students smuggling such dangerous drugs as Advil have been disciplined accordingly, we as educators, face another growing problem. Young female students have been caught smuggling a product more dangerous than crystal meth into educational institutions: Midol and Pamprin. These female students have alleged that they take these products due to the discomfort brought about by their periods.

Well, we don't we just let them smuggle heroin in while we're at it? No tolerance means no tolerance. Any female students caught smuggling Midol, Pamprin, or any other similar pain reliever into school will be suspended for one month and not allowed to have periods for three months. Male students caught smuggling in any of these products for a female will be suspended for a month and forced to have two periods so they can suffer without Midol or Pamprin.

7. Punctuation And Punctuation Doesn't Matter

It's clear that nobody under the age of fifty knows how to actually use quotation marks, commas, or apostrophes anymore. It's "far", too "late", to "change" annoying behavior's such as these. We will not waste anymore time trying to "teach" student's "how" to "use" form's of "punctuation" any longer.

8. Disregard Proper Capitalization

The Same logic Applies Here that "applies" in "Rule 7."

9. Thanksgiving

Young minds must be taught that white Europeans were nothing but evil white people who came over with the express intent to slaughter the native people of this land. We suggest teaching the class this way:

Week One: First Thanksgiving.

Weeks Two through Nine: Noble native Americans slaughtered.

Remember, it is important to teach this class with a certain amount of flexibility. And by flexibility, we mean that no settler was good, and no native American ever did a bad thing ever. In fact, they volunteered to walk up to gun-toting settlers single file and let themselves get blown away for 200 years.

Sure, this isn't true. And sure native Americans committed many atrocities on other native Americans as well as the settlers. But this is education. If the truth doesn't fit, just "tweak" it. What on earth do you think you're being (under)paid to do, anyway?

10. Unacceptable Speech

Even though educational institutions encourage free speech, we deem the following words to be "hate words" and are therefore banned from any any school. Any student violating the following guidelines will be beaten and suspended:

"Christmas" is now "Winter Holidays".

"God" is not acceptable under any circumstances (not applicable to Muslim students).

Students praying before eating at lunch will be suspended (not applicable to Muslim students).

Any student criticizing illegal immigrants, affirmative action, and Barak Obama will be expelled and called a racist pig-face (we don't worry about the self-esteem of racists).

SEMINARS

The NEA plans to offer several free and exciting seminars this year! In addition to all applicable administrative days, educators will receive full pay for attending any and all of these seminars:

"Lecturing Parents About Nutrition"

It's YOUR business what a child brings for lunch. If a parent isn't packing a nutritious lunch for Timmy or Tammy, their lunches must be confiscated and destroyed. This seminar will instruct you on how to deal with parents who, in their ignorance, will want to rip your head off.

"Children And Self-Esteem"

Really, reading, writing, and arithmetic come in a distant second to self-esteem in the development of a child. This course will instruct you on how to limit the number of "non-passing" (what fascists used to call "F's") grades you are forced to issue. It will also instruct you on the proper way of handing out ribbons for going potty, showing up, paying attention, and tying shoe laces. Only when children have been bestowed with a sense of self-entitlement can they learn such mundane things like spelling, math, revisionist history and grammar.

"Good Sportsmanship"

This seminar is geared toward physical education educators. This course will show physical education educators how to educate children to not enjoy winning games such as kickball, softball, baseball and dodgeball (students will also be taught not to throw dodge balls too hard as they might hurt a teeny tiny bit when it hits a student).

This seminar is part of the "Teach Children That Competition Is Evil" seminar series. For more seminars in this progressive series, click: www.todayschildistomorrowspussy.com.

"Parent-Teacher Night Of Mutual Love"

Sure, a student may be a complete idiot. He/she probably lacks the self-esteem to learn. But it's hard to explain that to a parent when that parent is looking at a report card full of non-passing grades. This course will demonstrate how to show the parent that it isn't education's fault his/her kid's a moron, but the lack of self-esteem from Mom/Dad, Mom/Mom, Dad/Dad, Mom/Dad/Mom/Dad/Transvestite Goat must be hindering the child. All teachers completing this seminar will receive ribbons to build their very own pool of self-esteem (or more accurately, to make it even larger).

This seminar will also demonstrate how to flatter offended parents into liking you and writing their state legislators to lobby for pay raises for starving hybird SUV-driving teachers.

"Keeping Up Appearances"

Hey, you're a starving educator. Yet those clothes you wear are really nice! Sure, you must dress nicely for school, but for crying out loud, dress down on your days off. People know you're an educator. But if you appear to be well-groomed and dressed, people will think you're paid thousands of dollars a month (the fact that this is true is not germaine to this conversation).

"Keeping Up Appearances" will show you how to wear dirty and torn clothing and where to wear it to get the most attention. It will also instruct you on the proper uses of the following phrases:

----"I can only afford nice clothes for work--otherwise, they'll fire me."

----"No, that's not my new SUV parked in my driveway. Somebody left it there. I have to drive an 87 Pinto"

"No, we don't own this house. We're renting it with food stamps.'

----"No, we don't own this house. We live in the gutted out Safari Van in the garage."

----"Yes, that 2007 Toyota Camry is mine...but I live in it as I can't afford an apartment." (This seminar will also teach you how to camp out on the side of freeway off-ramps and hold a sign that says, "Will Educate For Food.")

"Hiding The Truth"

If we truly want more money, and let's face it, we're ALL about the money, we must keep the taxpaying public from the living with the burden of knowing several truths which may even INDICATE that we're paid well. The average taxpayer has better things to do than to become embroiled in this heated debate. "Hiding The Truth" will teach you how to conceal or minimize several important benefits educators receive, such as:

1. Premium pay for inner-city teachers;

2. Guaranteed annual raises;

3. The option to not pay into the black holes called Social Security and Medicare;

4. Generous tuition reimbursement;

5. Health and dental plans superior to those in the private sector;

6. 12 months of pay for nine months of work;

7. No competency standards;

8. The ability to commit a felony and not have a new district find out when applying for a new job;

9. Numerous paid holidays a year;

10. Numerous paid administrative days;

11. Lots of sick days;

12. Full salary pension plans.

13. An inflated sense of self-worth.

14. Hollywood rubbing our genitals through propagandistic television shows and movies.

15. No layoffs.

16. Tenure (Yeah, not many people outside of education know about THAT little perk!).

And many, MANY more! Come take "Hiding the Truth"! Otherwise, the jig is up.

We hope that the rest of the 2007-2008 school year is a happy and joyous one for all of you.

(originally posted 3/16/2008)